Cullen Family Airlines
by Bells. Just Bells
Summary: What if the Cullens ran an airline? What if the Volturi ordered them to make new recruits? A brief and humorous glimpse into a day on the plane with the Cullens. Inspired by a comedy sketch by Eddie Izzard. One-shot. Cullens and a few wolves too.


**A/N: The inspiration for this fic came from British Comedian Eddie Izzard. He has a bit about the Church of England and how if they were an airline and you flew with them they would ask you "Cake or Death?" If you aren't familiar with it, I highly recommend you look it up! This was orginially submitted for the TwiFans for Haiti Relief Project put together by MrsKathy. **

**So, enjoy this brief and humorous moment with the Cullens :) **

**Cullen Family Airlines**

**Cake or Death?**

Alice: Thank-you for flying Cullen Family Airlines. The Cullen family would like to welcome each and every one of you. Edward Cullen will be your pilot this evening and we will be cruising at an altitude of 35 thousand feet at a speed of…… well, you don't need to know that. Anyway, we promise you the fastest, safest flight there is. Our cabin service will begin momentarily.

Edward: This is your pilot speaking……

Bella (to Alice): I just love it when he gets all authoritative like that!

Alice: Bella. He hardly said anything……. You are so human!

Carlisle: Well, we'll just have to find a way to make it work.

Esme: But Carlisle, how can we?

Carlisle: I'm not sure. But the Volturi have commanded it. They want new recruits. We'll have to be careful though……. I think I have an idea.

Carlisle: Cullen Family Airlines. Cake or death?

Passenger: Uh….

Esme: What?! Carlisle, what are you trying to do!?

Carlisle (To Esme): I have to offer, but what person would choose death? Humans have a natural instinct toward self preservation.

Esme: Carlisle that's brilliant!

Carlisle: Cake or death?

Passenger: Cake please.

Carlisle: Esme.

Esme: Cake it is!

Carlisle: Thank-you for flying Cullen Family airlines cake or death?

Passenger 2: Cake. Wait. No. By death do you mean vampirism?

Carlisle: Well….. yes.

Passenger 2: Then death.

Carlisle: Uh-uh. You said cake first…..

Passenger 2: But….

Esme: Oh come on Carlisle……

Carlisle: Oh alright. Jasper!

Jasper: Is it my turn?!

Emmett: Take it before I do.

Esme: Boys!

Emmett and Jasper: Sorry Esme.

Carlisle: Cullen Family Airlines. Cake or death?

Passenger we don't like: Death please.

Carlisle: Mind if I see your ticket?

Passenger we don't like: Sure. Here.

Carlisle: I see you have a connecting flight on air wolf pack. Perhaps you should…..

Rosalie: Carlisle. Wait. I think our passengers should receive everything they deserve. Emmett!

Emmett: My turn?!

Carlisle: Yeah.

Rosalie: I hope you enjoy your next flight. I know I will.

Seth: Hey Jake! Cake or Death?!

Jacob: Dude, do you even realize what you are asking me?

Seth: Uh... yeah, cake or vampire right?

Jacob: Obviously I want cake. Wait, why are you serving anyway?

Seth: Esme needed some help, they got caught up with that guy over there who is talking to Rosalie...

Jacob: You're hopeless. Whoa, did I just hear Blondie say what I think she said!?

Rosalie: As a matter of fact dog, you did.

Jacob: Ok...are you insane?! Seth and I may be able to travel with you bloodsuckers, but no way will the others be able to hold back.

Rosalie: That's what we're counting on. Now go be a good dog and make sure our new friend is sitting between the more volatile mongrels of the pack.

Jacob: Man she must hate this guy....

Carlisle: Thank you for flying Cullen Family Airlines. Cake or Death?

Passenger 4: Cake!

Carlisle: Esme, one slice of cake please.

Esme: Oh Carlisle, we're out! I only bought two cakes. I had no idea how much humans love this stuff or how much of it they could eat. It just smells so horrible.

Emmett: I wasn't going to say anything but since you mentioned it.... that stuff reeks!

Esme: Emmett! Not Now!

Passenger 4: Wait, so my choice is "or death?" What kind of airline is this?!

Carlisle: Oh no, of course not, don't worry...... we'll, uh..... we'll.....

Bella: Hey... I've, uh, got some chips in my bag.

Carlisle: Well then, Chips or death?

Passenger 4: Chips please.

Carlisle: Thank-you Bella. But now what are we going to do? We have nothing left to offer them.

Emmett: Yeah, and I don't know about you guys but I don't think I can drink that much, this is a big plane.

Jasper: Oh, I think we can handle that.

Emmett: Then be my guest, besides I can't drink and drive.

Bella: Emmett, that makes no sense....

Emmett: Edward promised me I could fly the plane later.

Bella: He wouldn't have done that.....

Emmett: Well, I might have twisted his arm a little......

Jasper: Literally.

Alice: (Giggle) He's so not letting you fly the plane.

Emmett: But he said... And you even said you saw it....

Alice: And it was true then, but he's changed his mind...

Emmett: Damn it! He always does that!

Alice: And you always fall for it....

Edward: (via loudspeaker) It's true. You do.

Emmett: That is not funny Edward!

Edward: I think it is........

Carlisle and Esme: Kids!

Carlisle: Can we please get back to the important issue here...........

Alice: Hey Bella! Cake or death?

Bella: uh….. death?

Edward (over loudspeaker): Alice! Bella gets cake! You know that!

Alice: Fine. So close.

Bella: It was a nice try Alice…….. Thanks.

Alice: Anytime Bella.

Edward (over loudspeaker): I can still hear you……

Alice: You know it will happen eventually Edward.

Edward (over loudspeaker): Alice! Will you stop that.

Bella: Ok, now you guys are just creeping out the rest of the passengers….


End file.
